So, it looks like I’ll be pivoting back to film stuff for a little while. There are a couple reasons for this and I wanted to take a second to jot them down. Mostly to justify it to myself now and to remind me why later.
Back at the beginning of February my work had an in office weight loss competition. It was six weeks long and I handily crushed it, winning both glory and my co-workers money. Six weeks of anything is really, really long for me. There are times in my life when I’ve changed my “big focus” multiple times in a day. Working through that manageable, but larger chunk of time helped to reinforce that I can stick with something for more than a week or two.
After that, the reason I stopped making films was because I didn’t want to feel like I was doing it alone. I didn’t want to own the entire thing end to end. This could be laziness or it could be fear of owning failure. Frankly, I don’t actually know why I kept trying to operate this way, but from the outset I kept trying to give responsibilities to other people and then getting upset when they didn’t own it in the way I just expected them to.
I may not be psychic, but I apparently expect everyone else to be.
When I tried to put together a shoot last year I divided out the responsibility across four people, including myself. When I didn’t get back the information I’d requested I imploded the entire project and walked away. It’s a childish and shitty way to deal with disappointment.
No one else is going to care as much about my projects as I do. Especially when most of the people I’m trying to give responsibility to are just my friends, helping me out because it sounds like fun. I just need to put on my big boy pants and own it. It’s my project and I need to see it all the way through. If something is lacking or missing I either need to figure out how to compensate or make the failure my own.
Part of what prompted this was a conversation I had while interviewing a potential candidate at my work. She had asked what we do outside of work. The intention of the question was to gauge how much of an outside work there actually was. My answer was preceded by the following statement.
“I am a would-be polymath with the attention span of a toddler.”
As I noted above, I change my “big focus” all the time. This year alone it’s been Unity game development, psychology, recording, weight loss and exercise, sketching, Portuguese, and now film. This is only a problem if it doesn’t go anywhere.
Taking all the above as a whole, I’m reviving my shoot from last year as entirely my endeavour. I’m going to take the next six weeks to push against those shortcomings and see how much I can get together for a shoot later this year. When those six weeks are up, I’ll re-evaluate whether I’m going to change focus or move forward.
With that all out of the way, I’m going to leave this right here.