I’ve been away, and I think that there’s been a good reason for this. It’s that I’ve had a distinct change in focus. This really shouldn’t be surprising, but this is a good one.
I’ve been crushing myself against figuring out video equipment as part of a valiant effort to get another film out of my system. But the truth is that I’ve only ever made films because it seemed like the logic next step from my writing. Taking the piece that I love and realizing it into something more complete. Which is fucking bullshit. I hate filming. Everything past writing is interesting in a purely technical, clinical sense, but it bores the shit out of me and I resent the entire process.
There are people out there who love this shit. I am not one of them. And the correct answer isn’t for me to force myself to do things I dislike just because it fulfills some random idea of what I’m supposed to do. That’s ridiculous. I’m just too stupid to realize that in the moment.
Having a little bit of vacation was what I needed to get some space and some perspective. While on vacation I had some exercises to work on in my free time. I worked on them. I did. And then I moved on to things that actually interest me.
The truth is, I like all kinds of shit. I have too many things I’m actually interested in to tie up months worth of my time into things I resent. I also know that I’m easily distracted.
One of the new testers working on my team asked an interesting question during her interview. She asked what we do during our off time. I responded with, “I am a would be polymath with the attention span of toddler.” The answer was intended to be a bit of a tongue in cheek response, but it cuts a little closer than I think I intended.
There are dozens, if not hundreds, of subjects that I would dive into headfirst if I had the attention span and time to cover them. I don’t stop working on something because I’ve gotten bored. I switch because I’ve had good progress in a particular subject and I get more reward out of tackling something new.
In that respect, I’ve decided to at least make it intentional. In dropping film I’ve picked up a project outlook. That is, I have a living list of things that I want to spend my time on. Instead of flitting between them haphazardly I’m working through them in an intentional manner. Coming back from vacation I spent four weeks on brushing up on my abysmal French and leveling up a little bit. Now that those four weeks are done I’m taking a little bit of time to reflect on what I’ve done and what I’m going to do next.
I’m not working on fixed time frames. That’s stupid and will lead to failure. Not every project is four weeks, or six weeks, or two hours. They are all variable and have different expectations or goals at the end.
So, that’s that. That’s where I am and that’s what I’m doing. Glorious.